New Years Resolutions - 2006

New Years Resolutions

I tried making New Years Resolutions, Renewals for the New Year, Promises for the New Year, or whatever you desire to refer to them as. It does not matter what you call them, because I know one thing for sure and that is, they do not work for me. About some odd 22 years ago, I had an epiphany – a revelation came upon me and I discovered that they were false promises I was making to myself and that they just didn’t work. So with this newly learned thing, that if it doesn’t work, then try something else, and hence, I did. Now, this is not a secret as I have decided that I would share it with most of you. Ok, all of you.

Before I reveal the secret remedy, just remember that an insane man finally came to his senses and said that if one continues to do the same thing over and over again, the reveal their own insanity. I say the man/woman who made that statement that had to be insane because they found out through experience. Well, as you know, I have been released from the white jackets and hence, have learned that encouraging New Years Resolutions is a huge waste and I would like to think that I listen to myself and at least attempt to try to learn from my mistakes.

I stopped proclaiming to others what I promise to do and not to do, as I just know that I am not willing to make such a sacrifice and life change. And when I think of making a life change, I think how far reaching that would be for a person like me. "Life change" seems silly and useless. The words alone are not profound; they do not carry much weight.

In the past 22 years, I have learned that I will never change and as my dear dad use to say, "That’s just how it is." Moreover, as some unknown smart person once asked, "Why change a good thing?" No, I’m not perfect in all that I do, but hey, I’m as happy as an effeminate man in Canon City prison.

Over the years, one of my New Years Resolutions were that I would lose weight. Well, as you know, that was not true as I am certainly a few pounds overweight and contest that I have gained and lost more than 100lbs in my lifetime. Some of my New Years Resolutions were that would eat healthier. I have eaten healthier from time to time, but if I am hungry, I eat, and if I’m not, then I won’t eat. It is as simple as that. Since I have an order to eating, I adhere to an illness that calls for medication that increases as well as decreases my appetite. Either I eat, eat, eat, or I do not eat at all, and hence, I have developed an eating disorder. Now, have no fear, I’m not worried, as it’s just how it is.

The epiphany I received, just came upon me one morning while I was in the shower, or brushing my teeth one or the other, I forget. Either or, but I seem destined to repeat what I already had done and was not willing or able to discontinue my old habits. It was just that, a habit. The secret: just continue to do what you’ve always done! You can expound on it, just as long as you continue it with decency, dignity and consistency and with complete joy and satisfaction. I needed to be true to me and remind myself that someone once said that honesty was the best policy. Who was the weak exposed person that said, "To thy own self be true?" It works for me.

When the clock struck 12:01AM, I vowed the following:

• I promise to eat whenever and whatever I want.
• I promise to not care what anyone thinks as I have learned over 25 years ago, that no one cares as much as I do, and that’s a lot about nothing.
• I promise not to telephone people (that I know) who do not wish to be called after 9:00PM.
• I promise to continue picking up trash from both sides of my home as well as well as the debris from both of my trashy neighbors.
• I promise to wipe the kitchen counter 3 or 4 times daily even when I don’t make a mess.
• I promise to yell obscenities at anyone who calls my home after 10:00PM if they are not in need of my immediate services, sick, dying or dead. (Dead people can’t call, and if they did, I hardly think I’d yell any profanities.)
• I promise to love and obey my dog for as long as she demands and commands it and as long as we both shall live.
• I promise I will not forget those that have forsaken me.
• I promise not to promise anything, but keep an honest conscious thought about what I promised.
• I promise that I will not promise not to get upset with stupid people including the Village Idiot, my government, my husband, my family members, friends and foes.
• I promise not to promise that I will never procrastinate ever again.
• I promise that I will not promise to say what I mean and to mean what I say.
• I promise not to promise to stop abusing my health.
• I promise to limit my shower time to 30 minutes.
• I promise not to promise to tell white, black, green, or any other color, lie.
• I promise not to promise that I will not eat after 8:00PM as well as in the bed.
• I promise to read more.
• I promise to try to listen and adhere to God more.

Seems easy enough for me and I wouldn't mind if you made a copy for yourself.

Most people seem to be more practical when making the vows and promises for New Years Resolutions. I have heard that they will lose weight, be a better driver, clean their homes more, cease cheating on their spouses, pray, read their Bible, be more content, slow to anger, be more trustful, etc.

For those of you who have made those promises, I only have a few responses to you fat, licensed-yanked, dirty, cheating, sinful, dyslexic, irate naïve folk.

I will always be fat
When I was just a little baby, the doctor told my mother that I was overweight. My mom argued that I was just so cute that I resembled a fat little dolly. The doctor however retorted that I was so fat, that it was dangerous to be so fat. And that although I was just a baby, I could have a heart attack.
The doctor gave my mother some goat milk to help me slim down those extra pounds, but my mother said I cried and cried. Now, I can only imagine that no new mother likes her baby crying without supplying aid, so my mother did what any mom would. She gave me portions of the regular milk that I enjoyed so much.
With that said, I could, although I would never, blame my mother for promoting my obesity. I still wonder where my beauty derived from. "Milk does a body and complexion good."

I will never be a better driver in less than or within the next 365 days
For the last two years, I have vowed to be a better driver, but today, I am the same nasty impatient driver. I still spout obscenities at other stupid drivers even when I later realized that I was at fault. Consequently, I do not think that was a wise resolution to make as my doctor had told me several times not to drive in the first place.

I will not keep my office cleaner
When I was younger, my parents always made us clean the house from top to bottom, from bottom to top. It was such a chore-dusting, mopping, washing clothes, and making beds. Sheesh, it was an all day job. I felt as though I was a live in maid. Now that I am older, I dread the thought that there should ever be such organization. Once, I cleaned my office so well, that I called my brother to inform him of my good deed. And as the youngest of seven, yet older than 21, I suppose I expected a rooha or a trinket. However, my brother was not amused, but simply asked, "What do you want me to do?"
"It looks really good," I chimed.
"And?"
"Well, I just wanted you to know that it’s much cleaner than what I usually keep it."
"Humpf, you act as though this is something that is unusual or that you’re not suppose to keep it clean."
I was disappointed by his remarks, so I just say the heck with it. If no one else cares, then why should I?

I will not dust every item in my home on a regular basis
As a child, we had to dust every single Saturday, so I need to rebel at some point. With my parent’s heavy slaved labor, it kept me from doing what I enjoyed most; playing with my Barbie dolls from sunup till sundown. If we decided to skip dusting a piece of furniture, my mom or dad would come along and write their name on it; an indication that Barbie would be playing by herself.
Every now and then, I will play those same smarts as my parents, but when I write my name across the coffee table or TV on Saturday, I end up writing the date on it two Saturdays after that. I suppose I should have had children, or better yet, hired a maid.

I will always try to be a faithful wife
I am as faithful as my opportunities. I have never cheated on my husband, but my characters have and that calls for some heavy mind alerting fantasies. What am I suppose to do, allow all of my characters to have a perfect life, with no personality defects? What is a story without conflict?

I will always pray
I never claimed that I would cease praying, but did pledge to pray more often. I use to pray six or seven times a day. Now, I only pray constantly.

I will always read my Bible
When I was just a young child, my preacher said, "Don’t believe me, but read it for yourself." After that heavy concession, I went out, purchased a Bible, and read it all the time. As the years would follow, I would purchase a New Translation Bible and read chapters at a time.
I have read the entire New Testament and am currently working on the Old. With my great organizational skills, I am sure to finish it before my worn out days when I am confined to my bed.

I will always ask God for forgiveness
I am not proud, but must be honest when I say that I am a hypocrite. Enough said.

I will always be content with Peace
Some years ago, I prayed for patience. I received Peace, and I am as about as happy and content as my dog rolling in the dirt after a shower.

I will always consider that the Village Idiot was wrong to go to war in Iraq. (Even if WMD’s were found)
So what if Saddam Hussein had WMD’s in his possession? Was it not we who gave them to him? Duh! So what if Saddam killed his own citizens. People in the U.S. certainly are not living longer because of their government. And for those who are, wish they weren’t… (well, I’ll leave that for next year IF I’m found alive after publishing anything about Iraq, the president or the likes.)
Seems to make sense or is no big wup to our government that they allow people to go without medical insurance, food, water, housing, and other necessities while they sit so comfortable in their warm HOUSES.

I will never trust anyone
I put my faith and trust in no man. Case closed.

Through the years, I have learned two things about the past. 1.) One who never learns anything about the past and their mistakes, is bound to repeat them. 2.) Memories reflect realities, and the reality is, I am not going to change, or at least, I promise not to promise.

After that, pray for me. (You too)


©Keeba Smith
Hankered Writer and Feared Compressor
K Smith is a columnist, an author, and social issues commentator
KSmith023@yahoo.com